Uncoordinated

When I was a young girl, I went through periods of life when I was awkward and gangly. As the years passed, I grew more coordinated and became somewhat graceful as I began to master the movements of my limbs and the thoughts of my mind. But now, I feel awkward and gangly like a child; as though I'm going through some odd adult growth spurt. I haven't yet learned to adjust to my new proportions.

As a young adult, I felt I had come into my own. I felt confident in my skills and abilities. My years of training had come together to prepare me for a future that I watched being realized. Of course, I had not foreseen the particulars of my future. But though certain details morphed and changed, the direction I was headed in fit well with my idea of who I was.

But, in time, something changed. This change led to a chain reaction: a chain reaction of change. I had not imagined what would happen when I became a mother. How could I have known that I would find myself unacceptable and incompetent? How could I have guessed that I would want to change so much about myself?

On the day that I first realized I could not remain the person I had become, I began a journey into a future that I had never imagined for myself. And so, my graceful limbs began to stretch in a new direction. My thoughts and the way I reasoned grew into something I had never known. I became someone new, someone I had never met, and someone I had never even imagined.

Here I stand today in a new life facing an unfamiliar future. I am gawky in this life like a teenager, fumbling between a confusing child-likeness and an emerging maturity. I bounce between both, not really completely either. And I long for the grace I once had, if not the life. I yearn to be comfortable in my own skin and confident of my future.

And yet, in a way, I am more comfortable than at any other time in my life. I have traded bad for good, complacency for activity, common use for special use. I have traded an old life in on a new.

But this was not a future I had envisioned. I don't really know how I fit in this future or where it leads me. I never anticipated this use for my talents and training; they have not prepared me for this. And so I wait, not altogether patiently, for the day I regain my coordination.

Not Alone

My 9 year old came into our room the other night, so upset from a dream that woke him up that he couldn't speak. For a while, he refused to talk about it. He watched some television with us while he calmed down and relaxed. Before long, he softly said to me, "I'm ready to talk about it." Then, he proceeded to tell me his dream.

He was walking throughout the house looking for his brothers and for us, but we were not there. Then, he walked down to his grandfather's house. But he was not there either. In fear, he realized that he was alone. Everybody he loved and trusted to care for him was gone. His nightmare was that he was alone.

Don't we have that problem, those of us who believe in God? As we face the unknown, our lack of faith stems from a fear that God will ultimately not be there. I'm not saying that this is a fear that He doesn't exist. But sometimes we fear that He won't be there with us.

When money is tight in September and we don't know how we'll pay for our house note or rent in October, aren't we really afraid that God won't be there for us in October? God has promised to take care of us and provide for us in Matthew, Chapter 6:25-34 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. "Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Yet, we still worry about tomorrow.

We know God has taken care of us in the past. We know God has taken care of us today. We know logically that because God is faithful and always has been faithful, we can trust Him to be faithful in the future. But underneath the surface lies the fear, the one the prompts the nightmare, that when we go looking for God, He won't be there. What if the day we go looking for Him, we just don't find Him? What if one day, we're all alone?

Why do I bring this up? In a way, it's scandalous to suggest that a Christian might harbor this fear, even when trust and belief rest on the surface. How is it possible that both trust and fear lie in the same breast? I honestly don't have the answer to that myself... except to say that we remain human, even when touched by the divine. The fear occasionally sits side-by-side in my own heart and once rested in the heart of a man who spoke to Jesus, "Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:24)

My son knows that we will be here for him tomorrow. In fact, when he wakes up, he will expect it. During his waking hours, it would never occur to him that we would simply disappear. Yet underneath it all, that particular fear exists in him and most likely influences his behavior in ways we cannot imagine. Similarly, we consciously expect God to come through for us. Yet underneath it all, a small seed of doubt causes us to respond in ways that don't reflect what we consciously believe.

How do we combat this dangerous kernel of doubt? I would be lying if I suggested that I have mastered this fear myself. But I think Jesus gave us the keys to doing so. He definitely knew we would struggle with this the fear of abandonment. In a conversation on another issue, Jesus told His disciples, "whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:4) So what did my little child do when he encountered the nighttime evidence of this fear? He ran straight to us. He came crying into my arms. At the fear that we would not be there, he hurried to come find us. And he did find us.

When we grown-ups encounter our fear, do we run to God? I know that I am guilty of staying to myself. Sometimes, I cuddle my fear; afraid that if I run to find God, I won't find him. If my son had done the same, he would have stayed in his bed crying alone when my arms were nearby and ready to comfort him. How sad that we, as adults, sometimes lie crying in our beds, feeling alone, while God is ready to hold us in His arms and calm our fears with His Presence. How it must hurt Him, as a loving parent, when He longs to comfort us and we sit, instead, rocking in a corner hugging our knees refusing to get up and walk into His arms.

I thank you, God, that you are a God who reaches out to comfort us and stands ready and waiting to receive us into your arms. "For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5)[and] "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20)

Right Things for the Wrong Reason

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of people, to be seen by them. Otherwise, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So whenever you give to the poor, don't sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be applauded by people. I assure you: They've got their reward! But when you give to the poor, don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." – Matthew 6:1-4

When I was a younger woman, maybe even a teenager, I discovered this truth about myself: it made me feel good to do nice things for others. I used to make a point to do nice things, because I liked the way it made me feel. I felt good about myself while I was helping someone else. To me, it was the best of both worlds. In my mind, everyone benefitted.

But I was wrong. I didn't delude myself about my reasons for helping others; I always knew it was really about me. I just didn't understand what I was doing to myself. Helping others was simply another way for me to feed my own selfishness.

It doesn't sound like a bad deal, helping others to make yourself feel good. But it has the same fatal flaw as the belief that marriage is all about feeling love.; when it stopped feeling good, I didn't want to do it.

My help was fickle. It depended less on the other person's need and more on my desire to feel good about myself. But this is not true love. Christ's love taught me that. I am supposed to love others and consider them as more important that myself. If we all lived by Christian love, live would be a utopia. Crime and deception would disappear. Earth would be heavenly.

But this kind of love does not come naturally. The kind of love that does not depend on how I feel requires work, sacrifice and humility. For this reason, Christian love is an ideal that humanity will not achieve on its own. Not many people are willing to live this kind of life; not with the level of commitment that it requires. But this is what makes the love of Christ different. This is why He asks us to give our entire beings to Him. This is what He gave to us. And this is what we have to offer the world: a radical, beautiful, life-changing kind of love.

I challenge myself and anyone who reads this to show Christ to the world and commit to Him, to being like Him, to showing His love to the world and, by doing so, to make the world a better place.

Schizophrenic Blogger

I can't quite seem to commit. I keep changing my mind about what I want to put on this blog. I originally created this blog because I was doing Bible Study and wanted to put my thoughts and any works I created online. I have since decided to put many other things on this blog. In part, I've thought, "Well, who's interested in what I write on the Bible? Maybe I should put personal things on this blog." And so I did. But then I thought that I should do some writing about homeschooling and I still was doing Bible Study writing. In short, I haven't been able to decide what to do.

I created another blog, about homeschooling. But I haven't put anything up yet because I thought maybe multiple blogs would be too much. Then, I thought putting everything on this one blog would be confusing. I mean, is this about Bible Study, homeschooling, or my own family life? I know, I know, this is crazy.

Well, I have some Bible Study thoughts that I want to put up... just to see what anyone thinks. So, here I go. I am dedicating this blog strictly to Bible Study... and will write on separate blogs for homeschooling and personal life. If it's too much to ask of my friends to try to keep up with... I'm sorry. But, really, I write primarily for myself anyway... to keep up the skill.

And... there's a part of me that really wants to communicate with the masses, you know.

So, here goes... I have decided... this blog is dedicated!

Men Like Darcy and Leopold

I have read the book, Pride and Prejudice, and watched the movies and TV miniseries an untold number of times. For some reason, the story never gets old for me. Jane Austen was a genius with words and Pride and Prejudice was her masterpiece. No other book of hers has been more filmed, nor spawned more "sequels." But though Elizabeth is the heroine of the book, my fascination and the fascination of numerous authors centers on another character: Darcy.

Elizabeth intrigues us with her wit and her thoughts as she wades through nineteenth century life. She is like a friend; the kind of friend we would like to have or the kind of woman we would like to be. But Darcy remains largely a mystery to us. Yet, what we do know of him makes us want to know him more.

What are these mysterious qualities? Darcy is dignified, protective, honorable and willing to improve. He possesses timeless qualities which are admirable even though they are not fashionable in our day. These traits come together in such a way in Darcy, that he draws even us, the readers of any time, to him.

What do I mean? Darcy's dignity allows us to respect him, even when we disagree with him. Darcy doesn't lose his temper or act like a fool. In his mind, Darcy doesn't lose his temper or act like a fool. In his mind, Darcy is always representing something greater than himself: his family. And he is careful to act in such a way that he doesn't dishonor his family in the public arena. Even when Darcy is wrong, he is doing what he believes to be right.

Jane Austen writes love into Darcy's otherwise cold dignity. We read about the love and care he provides for his sister. He treasures her, worries about her and generously gives to her. He has taken his dual role as brother and guardian seriously and we see that a gentler Darcy exists in private; in a place we rarely get to see in the book.

Darcy's desire to do the right thing extends even to admitting he is wrong and taking action to remedy the situation. In Pride and Prejudice, we meet a Darcy that is proud and mistaken in his appraisal of those around him. But we watch him sacrifice a false sense of being right to achieve the goal of making things right. Ultimately, Darcy is willing to change in order to become a better man.

Leopold, from the movie, Kate and Leopold, shares some of Darcy's traits. Though Leopold's situation in life differs somewhat from Darcy's they share some of the qualities I've listed above. What we learn from Leopold is how such a man would interact with a 21^st century woman.

Kate and Leopold shows us the story of how a 19^th century Leopold leaps into the 21^st century. Along with making humorous discoveries about modern American life, Leopold falls in love with a modern American woman. As the story unfolds, we learn that Leopold's sense of dignity and honor extends to Kate. Leopold treats Kate with a great deal of respect, and he wonders when she does not treat herself with the same level of respect. He even tries to protect Kate from her unscrupulous boss, who tries to use his power to seduce Kate.

And what about Darcy? How does Darcy respond to women? The answer is that he treats them with no loess respect than he does men. Both men and women are equally open to condemnation or respect from Darcy. He even defers to his aunt and allows her dignity rather than exposing her foolishness; a grace which he also extends to Elizabeth's own mother, a decidedly foolish woman.

Darcy and Leopold are figments of someone's imagination. Yet, how many women long for a man she can respect? Many of us do. And we long for men who will treat us with respect, not because they have simply granted us some measure of equality or superiority, but because they treasure us.

Darcy and Leopold are men who honor the women they love because honor is something they value and because they believe the women they value deserve honor, alongside dignity, virtue and protection.

Oh, that parents would teach their sons about dignity, virtue honor and responsibility and that sons would embrace and adopt these traits as their own.

Abba’s Daughter

I just finished reading a book called The Chosen by Chaim Potok. The oddest thing happened to me over and over again while I read this book. Each time the Jewish boy Reuven, the main character in the book, spoke to his father, I choked up and fought back tears. Why did this happen to me? It happened because each time Reuven had a conversation with his dad, he called him "Abba." No, I'm wrong. He called his father "abba." There was no capital letter. For Reuven, "abba" wasn't a special title; it was a common word for a special relationship.

For years, I have struggled to understand what it meant that Jesus called God "Abba" in the following verse: "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will."

My own dad was in and out of my life. A distance exists between him and myself that time cannot close, because the time to build that relationship has passed. Even if we were to become very close in the future, the relationship will still be an adult one. I have never had to depend on him for my well-being and, while we have a very good relationship, it will never be what it might have been.

I learned years ago that "Abba" means something like "Daddy." But I've never felt what it feels like to call someone Daddy. My own father was always "Dad" to me. As far back as I can remember, I maintained a slight distance between him and myself and chose to refer to him by the more formal name, "Dad," out of a lack of trust. Since I have become a mother, I look to my own children to observe what it might be like. My firstborn son sometimes gives me a glimpse into that feeling. When he wants to discuss something meaningful with me, my oldest will address me as "Mommy." His voice even gets softer and he makes it evident that he's looking to me as an authority. It is a sweet moment when he calls me "Mommy." I treasure these moments. But I don't really know what it feels like myself.

So, I was reading The Chosen, which is a book about two Jewish boys and their different families. The first time Reuven called his father "abba," I was shocked. I didn't know that the word was still in common use (the book was set during World War II and the creation of the state of Israel). He said it during a common conversation and it came out of his mouth casually. As the book went on, Reuven used the word over and over again: in conversation after conversation. Reuven called his father "abba" casually and easily. And each time, he said it, I understood more clearly what it meant for him, and what it meant for Jesus, and what it means for me.

For Reuven, calling his father "abba" was natural and right. It wasn't a word to be used only at a special time or at a time of deep distress, as Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane. No, "abba" was for anytime, any place and any conversation: during peace and during stress. This must have been the case for Jesus, as well. How many times on how many mountains on how many solitary occasions did Jesus talk to his father in conversations calling him, "abba"? We don't know how Jesus addressed his father when he went off by himself all those times. Those prayers, those conversations, were not recorded. And yet, he must have said it then and many times. Reuven sat down at the table to discuss spiritual matters with his father on a regular basis, and called him "abba" at that very table. Can't we safely assume that Jesus, as he sat down to discuss spiritual matters with His Father, also called Him "Abba?"

But why did I cry? What difference does it make to me what name Jesus called God? It matters to me because I am an adopted child of God. I care because Paul tells me in the book of Romans, chapter 8, verse 15 that I "received the spirit of adoption by whom we cry out , 'Abba, Father.'" I have been given the right to call God, "Abba." I am allowed to call him, "Daddy." He wants me to; and I haven't been able to understand what that means. I haven't known that kind of relationship before. I cried because the Jewish boy Reuven, Chaim Potok's creation, was teaching me what it means to be the daughter of a Father: my own "Abba's" daughter.

How Deceitful is the Human Heart

How do we teach our kids to overcome when we feel so defeated ourselves? My son has talents that he has developed through hard work, but his current situation makes him feel like a failure. I know the truth. I understand that he is interpreting the situation wrong. He cannot see the truth through what he feels. And this hurts me in a particular way because I see parallels between him and myself.

I also have been caught in a situation which makes me feel like a failure. Relief has not come and may not for a while. Consequently, like my son, I am convinced that I am less than what I ought to be. It saddens me to see that he has inherited this trait from me. Like myself, he is driven to succeed; and equally like myself, he is overly hard on himself. I suppose they go hand in hand.

And yet, I work hard to convince him that he is wrong. I do it because he is wrong, and because his negative thoughts prevent him from being better. He believes he cannot do well, and so he drags his feet. He doesn't try because he doesn't see the point. He does what he has to when he has to, but he doesn't take joy in it. If he had confidence in his abilities, he would perform like a champ because he is fully capable of doing so. But now, he just goes through the motions because his heart tells him otherwise.

I could be describing myself. I have been around long enough to know where my talents and abilities lie, and yet I feel heartsick. I don't start what I know I should be doing because I feel like I'll fail before I even begin.

Like my son, what great things could I be doing if I could only see more clearly? No, not simply see, but believe more clearly. We tell him what we see, but he doesn't believe us, and continues in his disappointment. I tell myself what I know, but I don't believe it, and I continue in my disappointment.

And yet, I know, for both of us this is only temporary. It just hurts a little more to see my reflection in him. I hurt for him and for myself. And I realize just how much we both need to believe more Truth.

"The heart is deceitful above all things…"

And I wonder… how long will we believe our own illusions? …And what could we both be accomplishing if we would both cast our feelings aside?