Reality

Being a Christian should not be lonely. But sometimes it is. Let me say up front that I can name several people right now who would willingly listen to everything I had to say... and would love me through it. But I won't talk to them. I just won't. Why? Well, let me name the reasons...

1) Because this will pass. If I talk to someone, they will tell me all the things I already know I need to do. They will ask me if God has been faithful in the past... and He has. They will remind me that this is temporary... and it is. They will offer to pray for me and with me... and they will. In the end, everything will be okay and I will regain strength and faith. I've been in this place before... it doesn't last.

2) Because although Jesus tells us that we will have trials, we "know" we are supposed to count it all joy. What is a trial exactly? If it's not painful, is it still a trial? How is a person to be joyful and suffer pain at the same time? Now, I could probably answer all of my questions. Honestly, I still see good even through everything. I see blessings even while I suffer. I still manage to have times of joy, even though my situation does not change. So, what does it mean when I fall into distress and feel despair? There is an expectation (in the Christian community) that Christians should handle things a certain way. And in public, we generally do. But in our homes? When we are alone? Honestly, if someone I respected came to me expressing my feelings as theirs, I would cut them slack. I would understand their response as a temporary natural reaction to an extremely difficult situation. But I don't trust many other Christians to see me this way, and yet I don't want to reveal my "weakness" even to those who would. For, of course, it is weakness for a Christian to feel this way, right? (That is a rhetorical question.)

3)Because I'm embarrassed about the nature of some of my problems. The majority of what I struggle with has to do with our finances and the difficulties we are facing because of bad financial choices we have made in the past, the depth of the hole we need to get out of, our great conviction that bankruptcy is not the answer, and our belief that we are doing what God wants us to do. But I face other struggles as well, struggles that reveal a darker, weaker side of my personality. Struggles resulting from the sins I cultivated before I came to Christ. Issues that would leave me vulnerable to judgement should I ever voice them.

4) Because I really am upset with God. Because I believe that He is sovereign, that He is really in charge. Because I study, I pray, I love, I serve, I believe, I worship, and still He hasn't rescued us. Because I believe that He really is good. I believe God is good. I believe He is faithful. I have seen Him change lives... mine and others. I believe He is the giver of every good thing. I believe that God is the answer and my relationship with God is the balm for my wounds. I believe He is the only thing worth living for. But still we suffer. I even believe that this suffering has been good for us (as in refining by fire). But it still hurts. It has been hurting for years... and I'm worn and tired. And as I look down the road, I only see more suffering. More refining? And I'm tired. I'm weary and heavy-laden and I don't know how to give this one to Him. As far as I know, God won't make my budget, write out my bills, write letters to my creditors, and do all the day to day things that I do to keep it running. I have tried not to do them myself. It doesn't turn out too well. But these are the things that wear me out.

No, Christians should be able to lean on each other. But, really, who wants to bleed on someone else?

Gustav, 9/11, & Ike

What a September! I haven't yet posted about our experience with Gustav. I'm waiting a little bit on that... I need to get some pictures from my dad. But although Gustav didn't do much damage in our immediate area, it woke a large number of us up to the fact that we still haven't fully healed from Katrina. We thought we had put Katrina behind us, but instead Katrina has become a part of us. As Gustav barreled toward Louisiana, even my friend who now lives in Texas and her friend who lives way up north (Michigan?) were reliving the memories. I think that those of us who lived through Katrina, whose families suffered all kinds of losses, both physical and otherwise, are changed. The people of Southern Louisiana are no longer the same. We are haunted by the memories of people suffering in New Orleans shelters and on New Orleans streets. In our minds are the images of homes moved halfway down the street from their foundations, with the blades of their ceiling fans hanging down like closing flower petals... cars sitting in trees, and other things that just should not be... dead bodies... disappearances. I remember not knowing where the vast majority of my family was located. We are a haunted people.

Then, a little over a week after Gustav opened those wounds, we observed the 7th anniversary of September 11th. I would imagine that the people of New York and that the nation as a whole feel much like I did before it became apparent that Gustav was heading this way. What wounds would another terrorist attack on our country open up? Because, as a nation, we sure do seem to have forgotten the pain.

But this particular year, I feel a little more in touch with the past than usual. And I remember what it was like on September 11, 2001. I was teaching a class of teenagers when an announcement came over the intercom that a plane had flown into one of the the World Trade Center towers and the televisions would turn on. We watched as the second airplane hit. My mind couldn't at first accept that this was real and not a movie. But as the horror began to dawn on me, I remember my overriding thought being to keep calm so that the students wouldn't panic. As for me, the fear rose quickly. I wanted nothing else than to get on my cell phone and call my father-in-law who was baby sitting my son and make sure they were okay. I didn't think that what happened in New York, and soon Washington (the Pentagon), had somehow spread to New Orleans. But for the first time in my life, I felt vulnerable to a large-scale attack.

We didn't know how big this was going to be. Was it over or was more coming? We didn't know who our enemy was or how we would need to fight. It was a waking nightmare. Watching people choose to jump to their deaths to avoid burning to death made me sick, though I had no idea at the time that four years later I would watch people sit on their roofs with no food, no water, and no rescue and hear of people being raped and harmed in what should have been a shelter from danger. We did what we could; we bought another gun and stayed home. School was canceled the day after 9/11... and I sat home and watched events unfolding on the television... and cried at the tragedy of it all.

But years passed between 9/11 and Katrina, then between Katrina and this month, and here I sit watching Ike pass through Texas, causing devastation in Texas and Louisiana. Last night I watched a video on Fox News. Click here if you want to see it. Yesterday, a group of young patrons decided to stay and party at a Galveston bar rather than evacuating, even though they were warned that they faced almost certain death. The owner's answer, "Well, I pray we don't face death." (I quoted from memory.)

I hope they didn't die. But I remember death and how it came to many who thought they would escape it. We should not live in fear, but we should remember. I don't believe I would wish to go back to the innocence I had before Katrina, before 9/11. Yes, I have more painful memories now, but I am wiser for it. Let those memories be a reminder for the future... for a better future. Let us make decisions based on what can happen, rather than what we hope will happen.

Gustav's evacuation was rough. The highways jammed up with people leaving for higher ground. A family died on the route to Georgia because the driver fell asleep and crashed into a tree. But the evacuation itself was a blessing. Southeast Louisiana cleared out. People learned the lesson. From our state and local politicians and public servants to the general citizenry, most of us showed ourselves to be a wiser people. Let that continue... and spread. Oh, that we would learn from the past and not repeat it! Oh, that we would learn from the experiences of our neighbors!

Texas, my thoughts and prayers are with you. America, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Ezekiel - God Will Strengthen

A little over two weeks ago, I was working on a Bible study that I'm teaching on Friday nights. At the time I was preparing the study, I felt that this was a message that God was giving to me personally. That was not unusual. I feel particularly blessed to be able to share what God is teaching me and I give Him lots of teaching opportunities.

That particular week, I wrestled with the challenges of owning our own business. We have managed to get on a tight budget, but the past few years' history suggests that we still won't earn enough. I fight this battle over and over. Sometimes we have enough money to meet our expenses, but often we do not. I yo-yo between joyful peace in the blessings God has granted us and anxiety that God may choose not to bless us enough to get out of debt.

Then, something began to happen and God opened my eyes to see that this message went beyond my household; hurricane Gustav headed our way. It appeared that Gustav would make Katrina look like a summer breeze. This thing was scary! I remembered the suicides, the divorces, the broken relationships, depression and pain. Even though we personally suffered little physical damage, I kept thinking , "I don't want to go through this again." I read the blogs posted by my friends Kristy and Christie and hurt for them and wished I could share this message of encouragement that God had given me.

I couldn't share it with them. But as hurricane Ike begins to take aim at us, I feel compelled to post this message:

Ezekiel's name means "God will strengthen." This is the main message I've pulled from the first three chapters of Ezekiel. As I waited and procrastinated, refusing to pack, I hoped that I'd see Gustav weaken or turn. I didn't feel strong enough to see my people suffer again, and I haven't felt strong enough to weather another slow winter season. But God reminds us through Ezekiel that we don't have to face our challenges alone.

When Ezekiel saw the vision of God's glory, he fell and was unable to stand on his own. In his humanity, he was too weak to face something so much greater than himself. God knows our weaknesses. When Ezekiel falls, God calls him "son of man." By this title, God lets Ezekiel (and us) know that he understands our limitations and our need for help.

God then tells Ezekiel to stand, but Ezekiel is unable to do so. This is the critical moment. Ezekiel needs to do something he cannot do on his own strength. I faced this task two weeks ago and many of us faced it as we watched Gustav head this way.

But we are not without hope. When Ezekiel could not get up, "the Spirit entered [him] and set [him] on [his] feet." Then, the Spirit enabled him to continue standing before God for as long as he needed. When a man or woman of God has reached his or her limit, God steps in and allows us to stand.

Ike appears to grow more of a threat to us at each passing day. Again, I don't want to leave. Not only do I have Katrina in my experience, but the evacuation for Gustav was a nightmare. My emotions are running on high gear right now. I will not fall apart, but I am not at perfect peace either. Thankfully, my God understands this as well.

In chapters 2 and 3, God warns Ezekiel not to fear, not to rebel, and not to fall into discouragement. God knows that some of the situations we face will appear insurmountable. I recognize these emotions in myself. I see the fear in my, "What's going to happen to our life?" I see the rebellion in my, "I don't want to go through this again." And I see the discouragement in my, "Will it always be like this?"

Ezekiel did not want to do what God told him to do. He was bitter and angry and made no move to obey for seven days. But God had told Ezekiel that He would strengthen him, and at the end of those seven days, God laid out the consequences of not obeying. Apparently, this changed Ezekiel's mind and he submitted. Scripture doesn't say this explicitly, but at this point God moves forward with His plan with no apparent objection from Ezekiel.

So, what does this mean for us? While Ezekiel sulked, he accomplished nothing. He sat in his misery. And aren't we like the proverbial "deer in the headlights" while we fight against God? Even my own, "I don't want to go through this again," leaves me not wanting to do anything else. But what did God say? Do not fear, do not rebel, and do not fall into discouragement.

If we accept God's will and submit to Him, He will strengthen us and provide for us. After Ezekiel submitted, God told him, "But when I speak with you, I will open your mouth (after being mute) and you will say..." God promised to give Ezekiel a message and enable him to speak it.

We don't have to dread the future. God will lift us up and take us where we need to go. He will strengthen our limbs and give us words to speak. He will give us courage and help us persevere if we will only welcome Him to do so. And remember the words of Jesus in Matthew 28:20, "I am with you always (all the days), to the end of the age."

For the more detailed outline of this study, with Bible verses, click here.

It worked!

Okay, if we do stay. I will put updates on this site as I am able to do so. As of right now, we have no plans to leave. That may change tonight. If I leave, I will post that too.

update test

This message is to see if i can update this blog from my phone .

Gustav

I was reading the blogs of some of my friends who lost much during Katrina. I wish that I could give everyone peace during this thing; a peace I don't even have myself. I didn't lose my house. I got minor damage. But I did lose my childhood homes, my grandparents houses. The things that meant "home" to me no longer exist. And as Gustav approaches, I feel anxiety for this area. How can I forget all the pain Katrina brought? Broken marriages, suicides, depression, deaths.

As I look toward this hurricane, I can't even imagine what waits for us on the other side of it. We are staying. Because our house suffered minimal damage during Katrina, and we are well prepared, we are going to ride it out. Is that naive? I don't know.

But here we are, and unless this looks like it will strengthen more than it shows now, here we will stay. So, if you would like us to check on your stuff, just let me know.

I will try to give updates, if possible. I think there is a way to text updates, either to this or to myspace. If I can, I will do that. In the meantime, please pray for us. And I will be praying for everyone and for this area. And for the peace that passes all understanding for us all. I have written something on Ezekiel. I will post that shortly. Maybe it will give us all a little encouragement.

By the way, my myspace page is this watering the vine

To My Sisters Who Were at the Wednesday Night Bible Study

Let me tell you about the dream I had last night:

I was riding home with a man I knew casually (not a person I know in real life). My husband and children were gone, absent from my life for some unknown reason. We were heading towards my new home; an apartment I had rented with my mother. When we reached my complex, he walked me into the lobby area, but I couldn't remember quite which apartment was ours.

I called my mother's phone number on my cell phone. As I waited for the phone to ring, I saw new folders being opened on my PDA phone and realized that someone was trying to hack into my files. I immediately began to shut down my phone, relieved that I was able to stop their progress.

Upon noticing my excitement, the man I was with grabbed my arm and an older man nearby came toward me. They said they belonged to the group that had tried to hack my phone and they were taking me away. I did not fight.

As they began to lead me toward the exit, the older man produced a thin metal tube about a foot long and calmly said that he hated having to do this to a pretty young woman. He then turned my wrist palm up and proceeded to insert the needle just underneath the skin almost all the way up my forearm. I watched as the blood began to pool under my skin and bruise the area around the needle.

The next thing I remember is becoming aware that my hands and feet were strapped to a chair where I sat under a light in a dark room surrounded by darkly clothed men with indistinct faces. I vaguely heard one of them say something about how long "it" would take.

The needle was still in my arm, which was beginning to feel cold.

I couldn't speak, or had nothing to say, feeling trapped inside my body, relaxed, and drowsy. I could hear my heart beating distinctly, loudly, slowly, and slowing. I kept thinking to myself, "God will not let me die!" "God will not let me die!" But yet my heart beat more slowly and faintly and my arm grew colder... until at last I heard silence.

Then I woke up...

Ladies, we have an enemy. The words of Peter speak to us now about this. "Be sober! Be on the alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your brothers in the world." (1 Peter 5:8-9) The same sufferings are being experienced by us all. I knew after I woke up and talked about my dream to my husband that I needed to tell you as well. I knew I had to take the advice I gave to Connie and not keep this to myself.

Satan will not just try to intimidate one of us... he wants to intimidate us all. He will do what he can to shut down each of us AND our loved ones if he can.

I mentioned at the beginning that my husband and children were not in my dream. No, they were in my husband's dream. The same night that I dreamt of being bound to a chair, he dreamt of being bound to a chair. Enemies tied him up and threatened to force him to watch them torture our children unless he renounced Christ. My husband would not renounce our Lord, but said that he knew his children would be in heaven upon death. The torture of our children then began and he was forced to watch it until he woke up in a nervous sweat.

But we are not powerless before our enemy. "Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7) Satan will try to scare us, trick us, tempt us, and cripple us using any means he can, including our most vulnerable loved ones, because he has no honor. There is no good in him.

He doesn't want us to continue what we started this Wednesday past. He wants to bind us, but we can resist him. Jesus told Peter, "You are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the forces of Hades will not overpower it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom, and whatever you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will have been loosed in heaven." (Matthew 16:18-19) What does a key do but open a door and, in this case, let something out. Peter was our forerunner and we are the heirs of this promise. God is not our errand-boy. He will not honor petty requests. But he certainly does not wish for Satan to bind any of his children.

So when Satan targets us, let us call out like the archangel Michael did, "The Lord rebuke you!," when he was disputing with the Devil (Jude v.9). And let us furthermore ask that same Lord to bind Satan from his working in our lives, that the power of the Holy Spirit may flow freely through us to others.

May we also pray for each other that we may be strong in the faith and pure of heart, so that Satan doesn't have the opportunity to trap us. Paul writes to Timothy, "Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they breed quarrels. The Lord's slave must not quarrel, but must be gentle to everyone, able to teach, and patient, instructing his opponents with gentleness. Perhaps God will grant them repentance to know the truth. Then they may come to their senses and escape the Devil's trap, having been captured by him to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:22-26)

So, I ask you to join me in following Paul's advice, "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise- dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen... and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9) So that when you wake up in the morning and set your feet on the floor, Satan will cry, "Oh no! She is awake!"