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For those of you who don't have children, let me share a little of mine...
So, my husband Steve and my oldest, Stephen, were sitting on the sofa watching King Kong. For some reason they started talking about the natives and Stephen told Steve that they were cannibals.
Steve, being Steve, said, "What do you mean, candles?"
Stephen replied, "Not candles, CANNIBALS."
My husband then asked, "What are cannibals?"
To which my 8 year old, having seen too many old Tarzan movies, explained, "You know, those black people who like to eat white people."
...
What would life be without kids?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Motherhood
Usually, we just tell Seth to go get "in his spot" and take his nap and he is good enough to listen without complaining (too much). Other times, however, he wants company and sometimes it just feels good to lay down with him.
Today was one of those days.
I wasn't particularly tired today, but I just wanted to lay down and hold him. He is growing so fast and, as much as I want to see him grow into a man, I want to keep him sweet and little. So, I layed down with him and held him in my arms.
As I put my face next to his skin, and breathed in the smell of a toddler who has played in the sun, I thought back to the first time the smell of my child was extremely significant to me. During my second pregnancy, I wondered how alike or how different my second son would be. Would they look alike, would they act alike? Would they love each other, would they hate each other? Would I be able to love them both... and love them equally? I was so afraid that we would not be able to handle these issues. After all, I was an only child, and my husband rarely speaks to his brother. But, as soon as they put Austin in my arms, I was shocked. He smelled... just... like... Stephen!
I'll never forget that moment. It was the first time that I ever realized there was something that made us, as a family, different. Odd as it sounds, we smell alike. But as we grow as a family, I realize it's not just the smell. Since we have brought in a new family member, someone who is not blood, I realize that there are so many ways we are alike. We have a family culture, habits, preferences, ways of relating to each other and handling new things that come along. My children are each quite different, but they, and we, are linked by things that identify us as "family"; things no one can change or take away from us.
But back to Seth's naptime. I love watching his little fingers. Seth, like many children, loves to feel soft things. He has two silky blankets that he sleeps with... and sometimes drags around. But he likes anything silky, and tags on clothing will do just fine when his blankies are not around.
His hands are beautiful. Pudgy, but long, little fingers that gently caress the blanket. Fingers that work back and forth as little fingertips enjoy the softness between them. Dimples that come and go as knuckles flex and extend. And sometimes, he takes his little hand and rubs it across my arm. Back and forth, my forearm feels as soft and warm to him as his little hand feels to me. I know that one day soon, I will miss this intimacy.
As I watched the gentle blue light coming through his curtains and falling onto the soft skin of his face, I wondered if God sees us this way. Does He look at us and see the vulnerable beauty that I see in the baby face before me? In our weakness and scars, does he see the same small body needing protection and heart needing love that I see in my little one lying down for his nap? If God loves me, all the time, with a love greater than the love I feel for my children at moments like these, then what do I have to fear and what do I have to look forward to? As I try to think of the words to write to express that sentiment, of a love my heart can't even imagine, I'm not sure those words exist. I only taste it in moments like these; before the waking world steals the feeling away. Before life and responsibility come in and fill my mind with distractions, smothering the love in which I wish I could remain.
I desperately want to see my children grow up... and at times I try to rush the process. But I truly hate the thought of it. I really love them as they are now; not perfect or perfectly obedient, but each beautiful and still innocent in his own way. I think that maybe I'll be able to enjoy them at each stage of their lives. Each stage brings its own joys and sorrows. But I'll desperately miss them as babies and toddlers.
I do have hope, however. The future of a parent is to become a grandparent. When I can no longer gently kiss my sons' baby skin and smell their baby smell, I can look forward to the soft tiny body of a grandchild. May all my daughters-in-law love me as a mother; and I, them, as a daughter. May God grant me many grandchildren to kiss, and sing to, and take naps with. Thank you, God, for giving me more children than I ever thought I wanted. What would I have done, or been, without them.
Today was one of those days.
I wasn't particularly tired today, but I just wanted to lay down and hold him. He is growing so fast and, as much as I want to see him grow into a man, I want to keep him sweet and little. So, I layed down with him and held him in my arms.
As I put my face next to his skin, and breathed in the smell of a toddler who has played in the sun, I thought back to the first time the smell of my child was extremely significant to me. During my second pregnancy, I wondered how alike or how different my second son would be. Would they look alike, would they act alike? Would they love each other, would they hate each other? Would I be able to love them both... and love them equally? I was so afraid that we would not be able to handle these issues. After all, I was an only child, and my husband rarely speaks to his brother. But, as soon as they put Austin in my arms, I was shocked. He smelled... just... like... Stephen!
I'll never forget that moment. It was the first time that I ever realized there was something that made us, as a family, different. Odd as it sounds, we smell alike. But as we grow as a family, I realize it's not just the smell. Since we have brought in a new family member, someone who is not blood, I realize that there are so many ways we are alike. We have a family culture, habits, preferences, ways of relating to each other and handling new things that come along. My children are each quite different, but they, and we, are linked by things that identify us as "family"; things no one can change or take away from us.
But back to Seth's naptime. I love watching his little fingers. Seth, like many children, loves to feel soft things. He has two silky blankets that he sleeps with... and sometimes drags around. But he likes anything silky, and tags on clothing will do just fine when his blankies are not around.
His hands are beautiful. Pudgy, but long, little fingers that gently caress the blanket. Fingers that work back and forth as little fingertips enjoy the softness between them. Dimples that come and go as knuckles flex and extend. And sometimes, he takes his little hand and rubs it across my arm. Back and forth, my forearm feels as soft and warm to him as his little hand feels to me. I know that one day soon, I will miss this intimacy.
As I watched the gentle blue light coming through his curtains and falling onto the soft skin of his face, I wondered if God sees us this way. Does He look at us and see the vulnerable beauty that I see in the baby face before me? In our weakness and scars, does he see the same small body needing protection and heart needing love that I see in my little one lying down for his nap? If God loves me, all the time, with a love greater than the love I feel for my children at moments like these, then what do I have to fear and what do I have to look forward to? As I try to think of the words to write to express that sentiment, of a love my heart can't even imagine, I'm not sure those words exist. I only taste it in moments like these; before the waking world steals the feeling away. Before life and responsibility come in and fill my mind with distractions, smothering the love in which I wish I could remain.
I desperately want to see my children grow up... and at times I try to rush the process. But I truly hate the thought of it. I really love them as they are now; not perfect or perfectly obedient, but each beautiful and still innocent in his own way. I think that maybe I'll be able to enjoy them at each stage of their lives. Each stage brings its own joys and sorrows. But I'll desperately miss them as babies and toddlers.
I do have hope, however. The future of a parent is to become a grandparent. When I can no longer gently kiss my sons' baby skin and smell their baby smell, I can look forward to the soft tiny body of a grandchild. May all my daughters-in-law love me as a mother; and I, them, as a daughter. May God grant me many grandchildren to kiss, and sing to, and take naps with. Thank you, God, for giving me more children than I ever thought I wanted. What would I have done, or been, without them.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Seth's Calling?
A little while ago, Seth told me, "Bye Mommie! I'm leaving!"
"Where are you going?" I asked him.
"To church," he said.
"What are you going to do at church?" I asked.
"Work," he replied.
Noticing he had his little drum/small instrument carrier over his shoulder, I asked him, "Are you going to play music at church?"
Nodding his head, he answered, "Mmm Hmm."
Then, he said "Bye Bye" again and proceeded to walk over to the keyboard, sit down, and start playing.
Look out, Kalon!
"Where are you going?" I asked him.
"To church," he said.
"What are you going to do at church?" I asked.
"Work," he replied.
Noticing he had his little drum/small instrument carrier over his shoulder, I asked him, "Are you going to play music at church?"
Nodding his head, he answered, "Mmm Hmm."
Then, he said "Bye Bye" again and proceeded to walk over to the keyboard, sit down, and start playing.
Look out, Kalon!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Terrifying Holiness
My mind was wandering this morning as I thought about feminine beauty and the pitfalls that those who possess it can fall into. For some reason, Angelina Jolie came to mind and I began to think about the movie roles she has played. Over the years, she has played a number of roles where she is a woman acting in a typically male capacity. She is the female Indiana Jones in the Lara Croft role or she is a hunter as in the movie Wanted. I find it interesting that these kinds of female characters usually have a very cavalier attitude towards sex as well, as though being strong means treating sex as if it doesn't matter.
As I pondered this, I thought about heroines of the past; women who filled a masculine role in society, such as Queen Elizabeth or Joan of Arc. These women were associated with virginity. Their abstinence made them more powerful to the human mind. The Greek Goddess Artemis (Diana in Rome), the virgin hunter, was frightening. One of the myths tells of a prince named Actaeon who happened to catch sight of her taking a bath. She was so furious that she turned him into a stag and his own hounds tore him to pieces. Other myths about her show a similar fierceness in her reaction to threats to her purity or the purity of her attendants.
I had always found Artemis the least likable of the Greek/Roman gods, and now I think I know why. She had no need for human (or divine) love. Her judgments were quick and decisive. She existed completely independently of us. It was this, her holiness, that made her so frightening. By contrast, Zeus, the king of the gods, was not like this. He may have been much more powerful that Artemis, but he craved human love. He also feared the wrath of his wife and snuck around to fulfill his needs. Zeus' sexuality made him weak. How much more fearful would he have been if he had not "needed" human beings?
This is God's holiness: He is completely pure and does not need human beings. He exists completely independently from us. We cannot change his mind, we are not his counselors, we cannot sway Him or influence Him. He does not need what we can give. And no human argument can possibly distract Him from executing exact and divine justice and divine justice requires the death of every one of us. It is God's holiness that makes Him terrifying.
But He also loves us. We have a God who is terrifyingly holy, yet loves us and wants a relationship with us. So, rather than immediately executing that divine justice, He delays it, and gives us a way out. Jesus said, "I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved." God provided a way for us to escape divine judgment in Christ Jesus, but he only gave us one way out. As reasoning human beings, we want to convince Him otherwise. We want Him to make concessions and allow us to escape in other ways, but He is holy. He doesn't give us the opportunity. He formed a plan in the beginning, a divine plan, and He will not accept any human alteration or alternative to His plan. But to everyone who accepts His plan, who opens the door, He says, "I will come in and dine with him and he with Me."
Do you think this is unfair? If you do, you're right. Fairness would require that we all face eternal death because we have all turned away from Him. He did not offer His Son on the cross out of fairness, but out of mercy. It is out of mercy that He has given us one way, because justice demands no escape. But God told Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy." And He offers that mercy to us.
Have I sounded harsh? If I have, I apologize. I did not intend to offend anyone, I have just simply worked through my thoughts. The holiness of God is a difficult concept and I don't think I've seen it as clearly before as I did this morning, thinking about the Greek goddess Artemis. But as soon as it becomes clear how little God needs us, it is all the more amazing that He wants us and has provided a way for us, his disobedient children, to return to His Love. So I echo King David by saying, "What is man that you remember him, and the son of man that you look after him?"
Oh Lord, our Lord, how magnificent is your name in all the earth!
As I pondered this, I thought about heroines of the past; women who filled a masculine role in society, such as Queen Elizabeth or Joan of Arc. These women were associated with virginity. Their abstinence made them more powerful to the human mind. The Greek Goddess Artemis (Diana in Rome), the virgin hunter, was frightening. One of the myths tells of a prince named Actaeon who happened to catch sight of her taking a bath. She was so furious that she turned him into a stag and his own hounds tore him to pieces. Other myths about her show a similar fierceness in her reaction to threats to her purity or the purity of her attendants.
I had always found Artemis the least likable of the Greek/Roman gods, and now I think I know why. She had no need for human (or divine) love. Her judgments were quick and decisive. She existed completely independently of us. It was this, her holiness, that made her so frightening. By contrast, Zeus, the king of the gods, was not like this. He may have been much more powerful that Artemis, but he craved human love. He also feared the wrath of his wife and snuck around to fulfill his needs. Zeus' sexuality made him weak. How much more fearful would he have been if he had not "needed" human beings?
This is God's holiness: He is completely pure and does not need human beings. He exists completely independently from us. We cannot change his mind, we are not his counselors, we cannot sway Him or influence Him. He does not need what we can give. And no human argument can possibly distract Him from executing exact and divine justice and divine justice requires the death of every one of us. It is God's holiness that makes Him terrifying.
But He also loves us. We have a God who is terrifyingly holy, yet loves us and wants a relationship with us. So, rather than immediately executing that divine justice, He delays it, and gives us a way out. Jesus said, "I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved." God provided a way for us to escape divine judgment in Christ Jesus, but he only gave us one way out. As reasoning human beings, we want to convince Him otherwise. We want Him to make concessions and allow us to escape in other ways, but He is holy. He doesn't give us the opportunity. He formed a plan in the beginning, a divine plan, and He will not accept any human alteration or alternative to His plan. But to everyone who accepts His plan, who opens the door, He says, "I will come in and dine with him and he with Me."
Do you think this is unfair? If you do, you're right. Fairness would require that we all face eternal death because we have all turned away from Him. He did not offer His Son on the cross out of fairness, but out of mercy. It is out of mercy that He has given us one way, because justice demands no escape. But God told Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy." And He offers that mercy to us.
Have I sounded harsh? If I have, I apologize. I did not intend to offend anyone, I have just simply worked through my thoughts. The holiness of God is a difficult concept and I don't think I've seen it as clearly before as I did this morning, thinking about the Greek goddess Artemis. But as soon as it becomes clear how little God needs us, it is all the more amazing that He wants us and has provided a way for us, his disobedient children, to return to His Love. So I echo King David by saying, "What is man that you remember him, and the son of man that you look after him?"
Oh Lord, our Lord, how magnificent is your name in all the earth!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
If...
IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With 60 second's worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
- Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With 60 second's worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
- Rudyard Kipling
Friday, March 6, 2009
Absent From the Body, Present With Christ
This week, my oldest son Stephen (8 yrs.) had to write a scene from a play. He chose to write a play based on a biblical scene. In writing the play, Stephen had a revelation about death. But before I throw in my 2 cents, the scene is short, so here it is:
Nebuchadnezzar: Maybe you didn't hear me? Next time you hear the trumpet sound you will bow down to my statue and honor it!
Abednego: No way, I don't have to listen to you, my GOD is my only god.
Meshach: My GOD can save us from this fire but even if he doesn't, we won't bow down to your statue.
Nebuchadnezzar: Seize them! Make the furnace seven times hotter than normal and throw them in!
(In they go)
Shadrach: Thank you GOD we are not burning!
Abednego: It's not even hot in here!
Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego: Who is that? It's the son of GOD!
Jesus: You will be greatly blessed because you had faith in me, honored me, even if it would have cost you your life.
Meshach: We thank you for protecting us, loving us, and for all you do for us.
Shadrach: Will we go to heaven today?
Jesus: No, not yet, I still have work for you here on earth.
Nebuchadnezzar: Did I not send three men to the furnace?
Servant: Yes, Lord.
Nebuchadnezzar: I see four and one is like the son of GOD! Get them out now!
(Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are standing before the king)
Nebuchadnezzar: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, your god is truly GOD, if anyone does not honor him, he will be burned in the furnace.
THE END
As he wrote this scene, Stephen burst into excitement at the realization that if they had died in the fire, they would have been with Christ in heaven. He immediately wanted to go there himself! But my mom pointed out to him, that just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, God still has work for him to be done here on earth. But what Stephen has learned is one of the most beautiful truths of the Christian life; death is not something to be feared, but to be anticipated.
I know that to some of you this will seem rather morbid. But human beings generally have three categories of fear: pain, hardship, and death. For Stephen, and for all who embrace Jesus Christ, death should no longer be a source of fear. I don't want my children to suffer, and I can't even begin to express how comforting and exciting it is to me as a mother that Stephen will have no fear of death. One of the great handicaps of life has been removed from his heart because he realized the truth that Jesus "shared in the same, that through death He might... release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage." So I quote on behalf of Stephen, "O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?" !!!
Of course, Christ offers to remove all fear from us, including the fear of pain and hardship. For as the apostle John says, "perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." So I look forward to watching Stephen and his brothers "realize" these additional truths as they grow in "wisdom and stature." What a privilege it is to be given charge over my young brothers in Christ!
I sometimes worry that I will not be able to teach my sons what they need to know to face the world on their own. The most profound truths cannot be understood by the mind that is not ready to hear them. What an incredible blessing to see evidence that I have underestimated my son and my God! If they leave my house with nothing else, I pray that they will leave with a deep, sustaining relationship with God. A relationship that is independent of me. Blessedly, a relationship that has already begun.
Bible Verses quoted in this blog:
Hebrews 2:14-15
1 Corinthians 15:55
1 John 4:18
John 16:33
Nebuchadnezzar: Maybe you didn't hear me? Next time you hear the trumpet sound you will bow down to my statue and honor it!
Abednego: No way, I don't have to listen to you, my GOD is my only god.
Meshach: My GOD can save us from this fire but even if he doesn't, we won't bow down to your statue.
Nebuchadnezzar: Seize them! Make the furnace seven times hotter than normal and throw them in!
(In they go)
Shadrach: Thank you GOD we are not burning!
Abednego: It's not even hot in here!
Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego: Who is that? It's the son of GOD!
Jesus: You will be greatly blessed because you had faith in me, honored me, even if it would have cost you your life.
Meshach: We thank you for protecting us, loving us, and for all you do for us.
Shadrach: Will we go to heaven today?
Jesus: No, not yet, I still have work for you here on earth.
Nebuchadnezzar: Did I not send three men to the furnace?
Servant: Yes, Lord.
Nebuchadnezzar: I see four and one is like the son of GOD! Get them out now!
(Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego are standing before the king)
Nebuchadnezzar: Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, your god is truly GOD, if anyone does not honor him, he will be burned in the furnace.
THE END
As he wrote this scene, Stephen burst into excitement at the realization that if they had died in the fire, they would have been with Christ in heaven. He immediately wanted to go there himself! But my mom pointed out to him, that just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, God still has work for him to be done here on earth. But what Stephen has learned is one of the most beautiful truths of the Christian life; death is not something to be feared, but to be anticipated.
I know that to some of you this will seem rather morbid. But human beings generally have three categories of fear: pain, hardship, and death. For Stephen, and for all who embrace Jesus Christ, death should no longer be a source of fear. I don't want my children to suffer, and I can't even begin to express how comforting and exciting it is to me as a mother that Stephen will have no fear of death. One of the great handicaps of life has been removed from his heart because he realized the truth that Jesus "shared in the same, that through death He might... release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage." So I quote on behalf of Stephen, "O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?" !!!
Of course, Christ offers to remove all fear from us, including the fear of pain and hardship. For as the apostle John says, "perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." So I look forward to watching Stephen and his brothers "realize" these additional truths as they grow in "wisdom and stature." What a privilege it is to be given charge over my young brothers in Christ!
I sometimes worry that I will not be able to teach my sons what they need to know to face the world on their own. The most profound truths cannot be understood by the mind that is not ready to hear them. What an incredible blessing to see evidence that I have underestimated my son and my God! If they leave my house with nothing else, I pray that they will leave with a deep, sustaining relationship with God. A relationship that is independent of me. Blessedly, a relationship that has already begun.
Bible Verses quoted in this blog:
Hebrews 2:14-15
1 Corinthians 15:55
1 John 4:18
John 16:33
Friday, January 30, 2009
My Great God
Wednesday night, I told everyone at our Bible Study what a blessing it is to yourself and others when you share how God speaks to you. Well, I must say that it is also a blessing to share how God works in your life. So, I'm going to brag on my God for a bit. Many of you know how difficult this year has been for us financially. Work has been too slow and, when you own your own business, that means you starve (in a way). Well, this is our slow season, work has been almost nonexistent and our savings have dried up. But we have been trusting God.
It hasn't been easy trusting God. But we have decided this winter that, come what may, we would we would enjoy life, have faith that God will provide, and not let our situation prevent us from doing the things we should be doing. Did I say enjoy life? I mean it. That is what is different this winter. We had a choice; we could be broke and miserable or we could be broke and happy. We have chosen "happy."
So, last week in church, I told God that I would not let anything prevent me from doing what He wanted me to do (meaning I would not allow myself to get depressed and shut down). That night, Austin busted his head. It wasn't a big deal because, as any mother of young boys knows, these things happen. But when I took him to the ER, thinking I had LACHIP (Louisiana's Children's insurance program), I had the unpleasant experience of learning that it had expired regardless of the fact that it was issued January 28, 2008. Now, we didn't qualify this past year because our income was too high, even though we could not afford health insurance. So, the very same day I make a commitment not to get too upset, we get a brand new ER bill... and those aren't cheap. But I wasn't too worried about it. I am hoping that when I do our taxes, we will qualify again this year and they will pay us back for this trip.
But all this information was to set the backdrop for what happened yesterday. Now, God has never let us down. We have been broke and had a few bills bounce, but we have never missed a meal, and still own our house and business. Nevertheless, going into February, we don't yet have the money to pay our house note and I'm not sure we will be able to cover the bills which are automatically withdrawn from our accounts. As of today, it will take all that we have in our accounts not to lose our business insurance and hopefully not to bounce anything this week coming. I tell you this to say that we have nothing available for emergencies or extras and will be eating what's in our cabinet until a few of our clients pay us. So Wednesday night, when Seth sounded hoarse and had some chest congestion, I prayed a little prayer to keep him healthy enough not to have breathing problems. He's been on breathing treatments before and I really didn't want to face the situation of choosing whether to keep him home and take our chances when I knew he should go to the doctor or borrowing money I would have little chance of being able to pay back anytime soon.
Seth slept well Wednesday night, but Thursday morning when he coughed, he undeniably had the croup. Croup gets significantly worse at night and nothing is scarier than a little one who can't breathe. I knew we had to do something before nighttime came or we might be looking at another trip to the ER. We searched for croup medecine (a steroid is the only thing that helps with croup) and found some, but it expired in February 2007. I couldn't take the chance. At that moment, I knew we had to see the doctor... and I knew we couldn't pay for it. I sat down at the desk and stared at the phone, desperately searching for a way, and knowing there wasn't one. I had done so well trusting God through all the troubles we had faced this winter, but at this one, I stumbled. I cannot tell you what it's like to have a child sick with a potentially life-threatening illness and no money for a doctor. It is the most heart sickening feeling I have felt. I knew it would work out somehow, we would certainly borrow money before we would let our children suffer, but facing that decision alone is crushing. And I felt crushed.
But our God is the God who provides. He is the one who performs miracles. He fed 5 thousand with 5 loaves, he paid taxes with a coin from a fish's mouth, and he gave a widow an endless supply of oil from one little oil jug. He did miracles then and He does miracles now. My mom went outside to put mail in the mailbox, picked up the newspaper and saw something lying in the street by the golf course. She went to investigate it and brought to me a $100 bill. I took that $100 bill and Seth to the doctor's office. The doctor charged us $20 for the visit and gave us his medecine from samples she had. We now have $80 overflowing. What a mighty God we serve.
Do you not know my God? This might look to you like a coincidence, but I ask you how many coincidences would it take to convince you that this was no coincidence? I have seen so many. My life is full of these "coincidences." They do not always involve money, but they always involve meeting needs, mine or those I love. He says, "When you search for me with all your heart, you will find me." (In the book of Jeremiah, chapter 29) This the work of my God; and I just had to brag on Him.
It hasn't been easy trusting God. But we have decided this winter that, come what may, we would we would enjoy life, have faith that God will provide, and not let our situation prevent us from doing the things we should be doing. Did I say enjoy life? I mean it. That is what is different this winter. We had a choice; we could be broke and miserable or we could be broke and happy. We have chosen "happy."
So, last week in church, I told God that I would not let anything prevent me from doing what He wanted me to do (meaning I would not allow myself to get depressed and shut down). That night, Austin busted his head. It wasn't a big deal because, as any mother of young boys knows, these things happen. But when I took him to the ER, thinking I had LACHIP (Louisiana's Children's insurance program), I had the unpleasant experience of learning that it had expired regardless of the fact that it was issued January 28, 2008. Now, we didn't qualify this past year because our income was too high, even though we could not afford health insurance. So, the very same day I make a commitment not to get too upset, we get a brand new ER bill... and those aren't cheap. But I wasn't too worried about it. I am hoping that when I do our taxes, we will qualify again this year and they will pay us back for this trip.
But all this information was to set the backdrop for what happened yesterday. Now, God has never let us down. We have been broke and had a few bills bounce, but we have never missed a meal, and still own our house and business. Nevertheless, going into February, we don't yet have the money to pay our house note and I'm not sure we will be able to cover the bills which are automatically withdrawn from our accounts. As of today, it will take all that we have in our accounts not to lose our business insurance and hopefully not to bounce anything this week coming. I tell you this to say that we have nothing available for emergencies or extras and will be eating what's in our cabinet until a few of our clients pay us. So Wednesday night, when Seth sounded hoarse and had some chest congestion, I prayed a little prayer to keep him healthy enough not to have breathing problems. He's been on breathing treatments before and I really didn't want to face the situation of choosing whether to keep him home and take our chances when I knew he should go to the doctor or borrowing money I would have little chance of being able to pay back anytime soon.
Seth slept well Wednesday night, but Thursday morning when he coughed, he undeniably had the croup. Croup gets significantly worse at night and nothing is scarier than a little one who can't breathe. I knew we had to do something before nighttime came or we might be looking at another trip to the ER. We searched for croup medecine (a steroid is the only thing that helps with croup) and found some, but it expired in February 2007. I couldn't take the chance. At that moment, I knew we had to see the doctor... and I knew we couldn't pay for it. I sat down at the desk and stared at the phone, desperately searching for a way, and knowing there wasn't one. I had done so well trusting God through all the troubles we had faced this winter, but at this one, I stumbled. I cannot tell you what it's like to have a child sick with a potentially life-threatening illness and no money for a doctor. It is the most heart sickening feeling I have felt. I knew it would work out somehow, we would certainly borrow money before we would let our children suffer, but facing that decision alone is crushing. And I felt crushed.
But our God is the God who provides. He is the one who performs miracles. He fed 5 thousand with 5 loaves, he paid taxes with a coin from a fish's mouth, and he gave a widow an endless supply of oil from one little oil jug. He did miracles then and He does miracles now. My mom went outside to put mail in the mailbox, picked up the newspaper and saw something lying in the street by the golf course. She went to investigate it and brought to me a $100 bill. I took that $100 bill and Seth to the doctor's office. The doctor charged us $20 for the visit and gave us his medecine from samples she had. We now have $80 overflowing. What a mighty God we serve.
Do you not know my God? This might look to you like a coincidence, but I ask you how many coincidences would it take to convince you that this was no coincidence? I have seen so many. My life is full of these "coincidences." They do not always involve money, but they always involve meeting needs, mine or those I love. He says, "When you search for me with all your heart, you will find me." (In the book of Jeremiah, chapter 29) This the work of my God; and I just had to brag on Him.
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