To My Sisters Who Were at the Wednesday Night Bible Study

Let me tell you about the dream I had last night:

I was riding home with a man I knew casually (not a person I know in real life). My husband and children were gone, absent from my life for some unknown reason. We were heading towards my new home; an apartment I had rented with my mother. When we reached my complex, he walked me into the lobby area, but I couldn't remember quite which apartment was ours.

I called my mother's phone number on my cell phone. As I waited for the phone to ring, I saw new folders being opened on my PDA phone and realized that someone was trying to hack into my files. I immediately began to shut down my phone, relieved that I was able to stop their progress.

Upon noticing my excitement, the man I was with grabbed my arm and an older man nearby came toward me. They said they belonged to the group that had tried to hack my phone and they were taking me away. I did not fight.

As they began to lead me toward the exit, the older man produced a thin metal tube about a foot long and calmly said that he hated having to do this to a pretty young woman. He then turned my wrist palm up and proceeded to insert the needle just underneath the skin almost all the way up my forearm. I watched as the blood began to pool under my skin and bruise the area around the needle.

The next thing I remember is becoming aware that my hands and feet were strapped to a chair where I sat under a light in a dark room surrounded by darkly clothed men with indistinct faces. I vaguely heard one of them say something about how long "it" would take.

The needle was still in my arm, which was beginning to feel cold.

I couldn't speak, or had nothing to say, feeling trapped inside my body, relaxed, and drowsy. I could hear my heart beating distinctly, loudly, slowly, and slowing. I kept thinking to myself, "God will not let me die!" "God will not let me die!" But yet my heart beat more slowly and faintly and my arm grew colder... until at last I heard silence.

Then I woke up...

Ladies, we have an enemy. The words of Peter speak to us now about this. "Be sober! Be on the alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are being experienced by your brothers in the world." (1 Peter 5:8-9) The same sufferings are being experienced by us all. I knew after I woke up and talked about my dream to my husband that I needed to tell you as well. I knew I had to take the advice I gave to Connie and not keep this to myself.

Satan will not just try to intimidate one of us... he wants to intimidate us all. He will do what he can to shut down each of us AND our loved ones if he can.

I mentioned at the beginning that my husband and children were not in my dream. No, they were in my husband's dream. The same night that I dreamt of being bound to a chair, he dreamt of being bound to a chair. Enemies tied him up and threatened to force him to watch them torture our children unless he renounced Christ. My husband would not renounce our Lord, but said that he knew his children would be in heaven upon death. The torture of our children then began and he was forced to watch it until he woke up in a nervous sweat.

But we are not powerless before our enemy. "Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7) Satan will try to scare us, trick us, tempt us, and cripple us using any means he can, including our most vulnerable loved ones, because he has no honor. There is no good in him.

He doesn't want us to continue what we started this Wednesday past. He wants to bind us, but we can resist him. Jesus told Peter, "You are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the forces of Hades will not overpower it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom, and whatever you bind on earth will have been bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will have been loosed in heaven." (Matthew 16:18-19) What does a key do but open a door and, in this case, let something out. Peter was our forerunner and we are the heirs of this promise. God is not our errand-boy. He will not honor petty requests. But he certainly does not wish for Satan to bind any of his children.

So when Satan targets us, let us call out like the archangel Michael did, "The Lord rebuke you!," when he was disputing with the Devil (Jude v.9). And let us furthermore ask that same Lord to bind Satan from his working in our lives, that the power of the Holy Spirit may flow freely through us to others.

May we also pray for each other that we may be strong in the faith and pure of heart, so that Satan doesn't have the opportunity to trap us. Paul writes to Timothy, "Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they breed quarrels. The Lord's slave must not quarrel, but must be gentle to everyone, able to teach, and patient, instructing his opponents with gentleness. Perhaps God will grant them repentance to know the truth. Then they may come to their senses and escape the Devil's trap, having been captured by him to do his will." (2 Timothy 2:22-26)

So, I ask you to join me in following Paul's advice, "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable- if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise- dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen... and the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:8-9) So that when you wake up in the morning and set your feet on the floor, Satan will cry, "Oh no! She is awake!"

This Summer

I guess I need to clarify my last entry. Several things have come together to make this me feel this way. My mood has been influenced partly by my circumstances, partly by my actions, and partly by my nature. So, I'll explain these each in turn.

For the past few years, life has been challenging. We have a good sized family and business to run... and that takes much energy. Things are on the upswing, but we have years of damage to repair (financially, primarily) and the going is slow. So sometimes the strain of our circumstances weighs me down.

...And this is where my actions come in. This past year was extremely busy and so I've been trying to take it easy this summer. To this effect, I haven't been doing my daily Bible study. Without my daily dose of God's refreshing Word, and His perspective on life, I fall much more easily into shortsightedness and "the wind and the waves" of life's troubles begin push me around.

My nature assists this process. I am always concerned about my tendency toward pride. Whenever I see the temptation to pride, I begin to back off and back down. But I am probably in no real danger of becoming too prideful for this reason; I am much too aware of my faults. Ever since I was a little girl, I've been incredibly aware that I'm not "all I'm cracked up to be." I've never measured up and will never measure up to whatever standard I set for myself. This is why I can write the kind of poem posted in my previous entry.

God has given me to know that my time and efforts for the advancement of His kingdom are not gone to waste. He made it clear that, "You are My slave and I would not waste your time." However, I know what I'm like when all eyes are off of me. Oh, what tales my kids (and husband and mother) could tell... and they don't know what I'm thinking!

I guess this is a type of a "thorn in my side," as Paul called it. And I thank God that He built something into my nature to keep me somewhat humble... what a monster I would be without it. However, when I give it full rein it takes me to a terrible place... and lazy, undisciplined, "vacation from school" summer is just what it needed to take over.

God's Word keeps me sane. It is just what I need to get me back on track. I've been indulging what I shouldn't and the you've seen the results of it. The poem is accurate. That is the cry of my heart. I can't say as to how accurate a picture it is of the reality of my life. But my hope is that when I die, I die able to say that I've made a difference (for the better) in the lives of others... and the more the better.

So, I guess I'm asking you all (or you "one" or whoever reads this) to not take me too seriously in this one instance. You've just seen one of the sides of my personality that I thought I'd risk to show you.

...And thanks for the support.

Poetry?

One Friday recently, I was sitting at a restaurant waiting for a table with a very heavy heart. It was one of Steve and my date nights, but the spirit of this summer was weighing heavily on me. Summer is usually a time spent getting over the last school year and getting ready for the next one; with all the nostalgia, boredom, anticipation, and occasional fun that accompanies it. This summer has seen me feeling heavy-hearted. Much has happened in this past year and I have been greatly changed by it. Some of what passed I regret and I have much to be grateful for. But this interim between school years finds me with a deep need for real beauty. Art, poetry, music... And this is what flowed out of my heart that heavy Friday night...

Uninspired I sit imprisoned,
Longing for something I cannot have.
Oh, to create a thing of beauty,
The beautiful hymn of a life.

Why can I not reach up and grasp,
What many others have since laid down?
And watch it bloom within my hands,
And spread it's petals to the wind.

To have the pouring out from me,
Water another human soul.
To have a dream to pass along,
And inspire dreams in another heart.

Let me not be contained!
But open me up,
Spread me around the world,
Till I no longer exist.

This is my dream.
This is my desire.
Make my life a beautiful thing,
Fill me up and pour me out.

Let this vessel of clay,
Be Your golden chalice.

And nourish those
Who come to You,

With the water,
You've turned into wine.