This Summer

I guess I need to clarify my last entry. Several things have come together to make this me feel this way. My mood has been influenced partly by my circumstances, partly by my actions, and partly by my nature. So, I'll explain these each in turn.

For the past few years, life has been challenging. We have a good sized family and business to run... and that takes much energy. Things are on the upswing, but we have years of damage to repair (financially, primarily) and the going is slow. So sometimes the strain of our circumstances weighs me down.

...And this is where my actions come in. This past year was extremely busy and so I've been trying to take it easy this summer. To this effect, I haven't been doing my daily Bible study. Without my daily dose of God's refreshing Word, and His perspective on life, I fall much more easily into shortsightedness and "the wind and the waves" of life's troubles begin push me around.

My nature assists this process. I am always concerned about my tendency toward pride. Whenever I see the temptation to pride, I begin to back off and back down. But I am probably in no real danger of becoming too prideful for this reason; I am much too aware of my faults. Ever since I was a little girl, I've been incredibly aware that I'm not "all I'm cracked up to be." I've never measured up and will never measure up to whatever standard I set for myself. This is why I can write the kind of poem posted in my previous entry.

God has given me to know that my time and efforts for the advancement of His kingdom are not gone to waste. He made it clear that, "You are My slave and I would not waste your time." However, I know what I'm like when all eyes are off of me. Oh, what tales my kids (and husband and mother) could tell... and they don't know what I'm thinking!

I guess this is a type of a "thorn in my side," as Paul called it. And I thank God that He built something into my nature to keep me somewhat humble... what a monster I would be without it. However, when I give it full rein it takes me to a terrible place... and lazy, undisciplined, "vacation from school" summer is just what it needed to take over.

God's Word keeps me sane. It is just what I need to get me back on track. I've been indulging what I shouldn't and the you've seen the results of it. The poem is accurate. That is the cry of my heart. I can't say as to how accurate a picture it is of the reality of my life. But my hope is that when I die, I die able to say that I've made a difference (for the better) in the lives of others... and the more the better.

So, I guess I'm asking you all (or you "one" or whoever reads this) to not take me too seriously in this one instance. You've just seen one of the sides of my personality that I thought I'd risk to show you.

...And thanks for the support.