Being a Christian should not be lonely. But sometimes it is. Let me say up front that I can name several people right now who would willingly listen to everything I had to say... and would love me through it. But I won't talk to them. I just won't. Why? Well, let me name the reasons...
1) Because this will pass. If I talk to someone, they will tell me all the things I already know I need to do. They will ask me if God has been faithful in the past... and He has. They will remind me that this is temporary... and it is. They will offer to pray for me and with me... and they will. In the end, everything will be okay and I will regain strength and faith. I've been in this place before... it doesn't last.
2) Because although Jesus tells us that we will have trials, we "know" we are supposed to count it all joy. What is a trial exactly? If it's not painful, is it still a trial? How is a person to be joyful and suffer pain at the same time? Now, I could probably answer all of my questions. Honestly, I still see good even through everything. I see blessings even while I suffer. I still manage to have times of joy, even though my situation does not change. So, what does it mean when I fall into distress and feel despair? There is an expectation (in the Christian community) that Christians should handle things a certain way. And in public, we generally do. But in our homes? When we are alone? Honestly, if someone I respected came to me expressing my feelings as theirs, I would cut them slack. I would understand their response as a temporary natural reaction to an extremely difficult situation. But I don't trust many other Christians to see me this way, and yet I don't want to reveal my "weakness" even to those who would. For, of course, it is weakness for a Christian to feel this way, right? (That is a rhetorical question.)
3)Because I'm embarrassed about the nature of some of my problems. The majority of what I struggle with has to do with our finances and the difficulties we are facing because of bad financial choices we have made in the past, the depth of the hole we need to get out of, our great conviction that bankruptcy is not the answer, and our belief that we are doing what God wants us to do. But I face other struggles as well, struggles that reveal a darker, weaker side of my personality. Struggles resulting from the sins I cultivated before I came to Christ. Issues that would leave me vulnerable to judgement should I ever voice them.
4) Because I really am upset with God. Because I believe that He is sovereign, that He is really in charge. Because I study, I pray, I love, I serve, I believe, I worship, and still He hasn't rescued us. Because I believe that He really is good. I believe God is good. I believe He is faithful. I have seen Him change lives... mine and others. I believe He is the giver of every good thing. I believe that God is the answer and my relationship with God is the balm for my wounds. I believe He is the only thing worth living for. But still we suffer. I even believe that this suffering has been good for us (as in refining by fire). But it still hurts. It has been hurting for years... and I'm worn and tired. And as I look down the road, I only see more suffering. More refining? And I'm tired. I'm weary and heavy-laden and I don't know how to give this one to Him. As far as I know, God won't make my budget, write out my bills, write letters to my creditors, and do all the day to day things that I do to keep it running. I have tried not to do them myself. It doesn't turn out too well. But these are the things that wear me out.
No, Christians should be able to lean on each other. But, really, who wants to bleed on someone else?
Subscribe To
Posts
Comments
My influences
My Blog List
-
-
Disaster Relief in Barbuda6 years ago
-
Multitudes on Monday12 years ago
-
-
4 comments:
Everyone has problems that are embarrassing. And no one else talks about them either! Please don't hesitate to lean on others. We are the body, designed to work in concert with one another and support one another. Praying for you dear sister...
You are correct. And that is why I wrote this and put it online. We always put on our "game faces" at church and church functions. I am feeling this and I thought I'd let others see it. After all, I know that others sometimes feel the same way. But we are all real, and really human.
I covet your prayers.
Jennifer, if we were to be laid bare before everyone, with every past sin we committed - especially those done before we came to Christ, most of us would not be able to pick our heads up. I also have had to "deal" with God in many ways about praying and praying for things for years, and Him not changing the situation. It is a struggle to remain hopeful and expectant when year after year, the situations do not change. I think we should all show more of our "real" selves, our feelings and weaknesses, instead of just putting on the "happy face", (which I guess perpetuates everyone else's "happy faces"). I also believe most Christians would cut another slack, when we hear the heart of someone. I really am here if you ever need to talk.
Why do we suffer in silence... at least publicly? Maybe it's because we fear that our weakness may cause others to stumble? That we will feel embarrassed? That once our "issues" have resolved and we've recovered and moved on, others won't be able to forget so easily? I don't know why. I just know we do.
I feel the pain in your words and in your tears. I don't have new words for you; you have spoken what most of us harbor deep in our hearts... that God who has been faithful in the past will see us through. But as flesh and bone existing on this imperfect planet, pain is pain, doubt is doubt, and fear is fear. Most times it is so difficult to live by faith, when our "sight" is only seeing the perceived reality of our situation and struggle.
Please know that I am praying for you, and for God to make Himself known in an amazing way and SOON.
At times, we all find ourselves in the proverbial or sometimes literal pit... I think wherever we are at the time, we need to keep our arms extended. If we're blessed enough to be on the outside, then we dig in our heels and reach down to grab hold of the one who struggles. If we are the one in the pit, then we grab hold to the outstretched hand and hang on for dear life.
This was probably not helpful, but please know that you're not alone. In your struggle or in your need to voice it. Grab hold. How can we help?
Love you,
~B
Post a Comment