Small Bodies...

SMALL BODIES, GREAT HEARTS

An early Puritan writer once said about children, "though their bodies be small, yet their hearts are great." He was speaking about a child's tendency toward mischief. As the mother of 4 young sons, I am reminded of this statement often and I figure it's time to throw my two cents in.

When a child is born, the infant appears so delicate and pure that we parents cannot imagine the trouble brewing within. But before long, the tiny little creature, helpless to overpower the adults in charge of him, identifies the fatal weaknesses in the parental armor and begins to exploit them. With my first son, I was completely uneducated on the tactical manoeuvers of infant warfare. My little angel quickly conquered us and proceeded to rule with an iron fist. But I know that I will one day escape filial domination and, in the meantime, I dedicate myself to educating potential parents everywhere about the reality of parental bondage.

It begins with sleep deprivation. Children do not hesitate to use torture to advance their agenda. Once a parent is sufficiently worn down, the child can then then begin to exercise domination.

Let me give you an example.

A master strategist at an early age, Stephen understood that just as a horseman maintains control by guiding the horse, if he wanted to be the Master, he would have to control our travel patterns. Within a short period of time, he trained us to pay close attention to his driving instructions. We quickly learned his preferred method of travel; accelerate to speeds over 70 mph and maintain high speeds. If we slowed down, he would scream. If we stopped for a red light or a stop sign, he would scream. If we drove on city streets which would not allow sufficiently high speeds, he would scream. He had complete control and successfully discouraged us from any unnecessary driving, completely eliminating any attempt on our part to trick him into sleep by taking "a ride in the car."

By the time I realized that I had been enslaved, we had already had more children. Yes, we are slow learners. I now have 4 masters who are expert at identiifying their own particular strengths. Perhaps you may recognize the following techniques:

Seth, the 2 year old has "the scream". Can you picture the painting by the same name? I firmly believe the artist also had a 2 year old, because the painting accurately depicts what happens to the parental psyche when "the scream" is unleashed. The tormented parent will then do whatever it takes to make it go away. Seth typically uses "the scream" to direct parental fury onto one of his brothers. Usually, the offending brother has intentionally irritated Seth. But sometimes Seth just wants what the brother has. We don't care. We just want it to end. Seth wins.

Elijah, the 4 year old is more complex. His particular strength is breaking people down. From a tender age, he has been able to reduce his older brothers into defeated, crying children; particularly his next older brother Austin. But his powers extend beyond other children, to the adults in his life as well. He is the strongest willed member of the family, and he's not afraid to use it. His battle of choice is dinner. His technique is superb. His earlier attempts to win the dinner war were crude, like making himself throw up the very food he was expected to eat. But his new strategy is flawless. While we happily eat, he manages to stay under the radar until we are almost done. At that point, he complains that his food is cold, prompting us to warm it for him. He then informs us how much better warm food tastes, tricking us into thinking he has actually tasted it. But we "quickly" realize the truth, and begin the battle of threats and tears which drives us to distraction. However, it is time to pick up from dinner and draw baths. Parents drop like flies and Elijah begins to ask for someone to feed him. Now, Elijah does not really want to be fed. He knows that if he asks to be fed, we get irritated and disappear, leaving him free to leave the plate of food he did not want to eat in the first place. Elijah takes his bath, has a snack with his brothers, goes to bed, and we find the abandoned plate of food later that night. Flawless.

Austin the 6 year old is the smoothest of the tormenters; you don't even know you've been bamboozled until he's gone. The child can lie with the face of an angel. Austin has learned the truth behind the old adage, "you catch more flies with honey..." The command, "Austin, put away your clothes" is met with a polite "Yes, Ma'am." Only much later do you find them shoved under the bed. Of course, this is the child who replied, "Why, did you see me?" to the question, "Austin, what did you just do?" But really, if you must be held captive, isn't it better when they're friendly?

Stephen, the original, is now 8 years old. The near future is not looking good for us. Last night, he was pondering how nice life might be if we were eliminated. I think my chances are better than my husband, but the grandparents render us both disposable. In the meantime, he's using his mind control prowess to keep us in check. Two nights ago, he was watching me play a computer game, when his Nana commanded him into his bedroom. I, hearing her tone, and wanting the best for my son, recommended that he go quickly. He then comforted me and proceeded to explain to me that, "I've got her all figured out." Apparently, as long as he obeys before she exhibits a very specific behavior, he will escape punishment. Being the subversive, unappreciative servant that I am, I told her... We need to stick together.

Well friends, I truly hope this helps some one or other of you. After all, they are merciless and they never quit. And they work together to keep us down. I've never done anything harder in my life than be a parent. I now know my limits. By the way, if you are like I was, you might be thinking that you should be able to out-think a child. Funny how it never occurred to me that my own children might be as smart as I am... After all, "though their bodies be small..."