Tuesday, May 1, 2001

Tuesday, May 1, 2001

"They say I am
But I am not

Failure
Unequipped
Psychotic I am
Strong I am not

Weak
Hapless
Stupid I am
Well I am not

Tired
Lazy
Mean I am
Good I am not

Wife
Teacher
Mother I am
Human I am not

Some things cannot be said, some things are best not said, and some things won't be said. Am I growing? I am certainly suffering pains. Why do I not learn? Why do I grow tougher with each trial, instead of wiser? Knowing is not enough. the ignorant man can be excused. I cannot.

Why fight a losing battle? I can't win. Slave is my birthright. I was born in chains I could not yet feel. Now that I can feel them, I have grown too big to shrug them off.

What good do two selfish people give the world or each other? Why do I not change instead of stretching my limits?

Where would I go? I would come right back. I would walk out of one prison and into another. There is no freedom in life. I made my chains, why not like them?

I don't think I can be happy. I always find something wrong. Why did I bring a baby into my miserable existence and just how am I going to **** him up?

He deserves better parents."

Wanting to record a dream into my diary, I came across some words that drew me to this entry. I don't often remember how this felt. Truly, our minds strive to remember the good times and forget the bad. For this reason, I am so glad that I, at least occasionally, record my journey in a diary. I can look back and see where I was in relation to where I am.

I have been set free.

Life isn't easy. "Our lives last seventy years or, if we are strong, eighty years. Even the best of them are struggle and sorrow; indeed, they pass quickly and we fly away." (Psalm 90:10) Even today, I face challenges that seem so far beyond my capabilities. But since I met Christ, I am wiser and tougher. I am less ignorant than I was then, but no longer bear such guilt. I am not fighting a losing battle I cannot win, I am fighting a winning battle I cannot lose.

Yes, I was born into slavery, but I have been purchased out of that and adopted as a daughter. I have traded my chains for the yoke of Christ, whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light. My husband and I have been changed and do give to the world and we have found the freedom in this life that I didn't believe existed.

...And I know happiness.

Thank you, my Jesus, for taking me as yours and giving my children better parents.

[So Jesus said the the Jews who had believed in Him, "If you continue in My word, you really are My disciples. You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)]

...And for the record,...

[John 8:33-35 "We are descendants of Abraham," they answered Him, "and we have never been enslaved to anyone. How can you say, 'You will become free'?" Jesus responded, "I assure you: Everyone who commits sin is a slave of sin. A slave does not remain in the household forever, but a son does remain forever. Therefore if the Son sets you free, you really will be free."]